Who knows where the cold wind blows? I asked my friends but nobody knows. Who am I to believe in love? Love ain't no stranger.

I am not going to lie to you:  this year, as a whole, sucked.  It was a colossal waste of my life.  I spent it in fear and pain, in loss and grieving for someone I never met, and have been left at the end with a fairly bleak financial future and more weight than I would like.   If I ever could have a year to live over, this would be the one, as long I had the knowledge of how one moment would go.

But, would something else have happened to make it happen this way regardless?  It is likely many of you would offer opinions based on your faith, but not one of you would have any fact to back it up.  I will remain firmly entrenched in I don't care, since I can't know.  That is my faith and, as nihilistic as it may sound, it serves me.

Just as your faith serves you.  I certainly hope I am understood.

As I ponder the end of this largely pathetic year, I once again must take stock in what I am leaving behind and what I want to do going forward.  I will lay it out, as best I can, and I will try not to make you cry.  Too much.

I was responsible for another person's death in a car accident.  It wasn't intentional, there were no drugs involved, but the intersection was unfamiliar to me and I was driving it at night.  I lost much as a result and have spent my time since paying for it.  As of right now, I had to plead guilty to a misdemeanor, my license was revoked, I lost thousands of dollars -- and that part isn't even close to done -- and I lost my 2nd favorite car I have ever owned.  Oh, and I broke my hand, which has made certain exercise and playing the guitar a lot more difficult.  Luckily, I didn't do much of either before the accident.

Levity aside, none of this means anything to me.  As I see Mrs. Paule in my mind's eye every fucking day and especially when I see myself bitching about the accident.  One day, I will forgive myself, as my official and unofficial counselors tell me, but that day has not yet come.  I am tainted by what happened and I am a long way from being over that.  So, ending this year, I will toast once again to the Fallen, but especially to Mrs. Paule.

Cheers, Mrs. Paule.  Rest In Peace.  I am so very, very sorry.

I have learned I have worth, under the threat of pain. My friend Bill told me that if I don't accept this, he was going fly up here to kick my ass.  As much as I want to see him, that is not how I would like it to happen.  You see, Bill said it, so it will happen.  He doesn't lie and is one of the most honorable men I know.  So, under threat of pain, I have now accepted that I have worth.  Truth be told, I am still looking for evidence, but I now believe it.

Cheers, Bill.  Thank you very much for believing in me.

I was arrested, booked and put in a cell. This is not an experience I would wish on anyone.  I was in a very short time, and the thought of being in there any longer makes me cringe.  Writing about it is hard. Still, every day I get to go to work, walk to the store, or just call my friends I call a win.  Hell, writing this blog without wearing clothes that match everyone else in the room, or having to pee in front of someone else, or having nothing I own available to me, is a gift.  Of this I learned a very clear lesson.  I am a very compliant prisoner.  It was chilling, at best, so I will say nothing more about it.

I will give a shout out to Paula and DeWayne for getting me out.  I owe you a debt that I am not sure I can repay.  Cheers, to you.

I can handle a considerable amount of pain, physically and mentally.  It took me a year to cave under the stress, and after getting an EKG, blood tests, and a physical exam, I am not having heart issues.  I am just having anxiety attacks stemming from my accident.  I made it through the whole year before I started freaking out.

And you know what set me over the edge?  Getting my driver's license revoked.  Nothing that happened was expected, but that one thing pushed me into panic.   How will I get places?  How long can I leverage relationships to get me through this?  Can I get a permit to allow me to continue working?  It was enough to make me freak out beyond belief.

And then Thanksgiving hit.  When I realized that a family was having their first Holiday season without their grandmother, I broke down.  I cried.  I tried to run away. My family wouldn't let me, against my will.

Still, my friends are there for me, but several have stepped up above and beyond.

Cheers, Micah.  Thank you for all your help.  You are a true friend.

Cheers, Smitty, for your insight into my mind and it's workings.  You have helped me remain stable.  Thank you.

Cheers, Aurianna, for understanding my plight, for not letting me run when my pain became too great.

I am still single. I used to say, "and loving it," but that is not entirely true any more.  I am holding myself back for several reasons that I won't entirely list out.  There have been a few options available, but I haven't pursued them.  To be honest, none have pursued me either, that I can tell.  I am so bad at noticing when someone actually cares about me, it would likely go right over my head.

If you are reading this and you have tried, I am sorry I missed it.  Please feel free to tell me directly, but privately.    Even if I am not interested, it is better for us to both know about it and decide to not do anything with it than to ignore it and feel regret.  Regret is the most powerful negative force in the universe.  And it really, really hurts to know you missed out on something wonderful.  I promise if I am not interested, I will be honest and I won't hold it against you.

It is likely I won't get into anything terribly serious unless I find someone that doesn't mind relocation.  I am also struggling with the idea that I don't really want to live here forever, so I am worried about getting attached and not being able to leave.

Someday, I will be back in Arizona.  It calls to me -- like some hear the calling of their God(s) -- and I will get there again.  It won't be for awhile, as I have things to do here that will hold me back.  The spell of exile is strong and resists every attempt to free me. Someday I will prevail, but until then, I am open to negotiations, as it were.

I am also quite certain I am not that great of a catch.  Yet.  So much heartache and pain, that I haven't put time into dealing with.  I guess it is time.

Cheers to her, if I find her.  Looking forward to meeting you, if you exist.

My focus for this year is to learn and produce.I will go to school some, learn at home some, read, write, whatever it takes.  I have several irons in the fire on several fronts.  I will open up those projects to others for help, as I saw something recently that made me realize it is the best way to succeed.

I got it from this article, which is well worth the read, but the specific video that made me realize this is here.  Most of you probably knew it, at least subconsciously, but it is in the foreground now.

I want to be a writer, but I struggle with what to write.  So, I will just start reading and writing more until I figure it out.  Some of you have given me ideas to write and I will try to do them.  But I need more information on some of the basics that I have forgotten and also some of the more advanced understandings of plot.

I have been running games for many years and people tell me they enjoy them.  I think I would like to find a way to make money with this hobby and perhaps find another hobby to replace it.  As you know, if you make your hobby your job, you need to find another hobby.  So, there is the focus.  Here are some things I want to accomplish.

The current list of projects:

• I am actively writing two games, and I think with the right focus I can make them into money makers.
• I have started two novels and I need to finished them both this year.
• I have an RPG "adventure" that I really need to complete, but I need some folks to help flesh out parts of it
• I have written about 50 sets of song lyrics that I think can be made into perhaps 10 decent songs, with the help of some of my musician friends.
• My house needs to be cleaned and repaired and the junk removed.  This will be happening concurrently with these other projects, as I will need the space for some of these projects.
• I want to design and build a portable startship bridge for the game Artemis, costumes and all.

I think I will have my year cut out for me, depending on what else it throws at me.  So, if you don't see or hear from me much, that is why.  This is a year that I plan to get things done, as I have been fucking around all 2012 dealing with my personal pity party and got nothing done.  And I need to get things done.  It is how I will heal.  Less drinking, less partying, more production.  And, a little gaming for research and relaxation.  Another Acquire game needs to be in the future, right Anders?

So, hear's to 2013 and getting things done.  The universe took a cheap shot at me last year and won.  I fell down and have struggled to get back up.  But, thanks to the love and gracious help of my many friends, I am standing again and have started walking.  I am almost ready to run, but my life feels like this moment and you all have been my Madmartigan.

Whatever I think of the movie, that moment has always inspired me.  But I always thought I was Madmartigan, trying to get my friends moving again when things were tough.  I didn't realized I would ever be Willow in that moment again, not since my divorce.

But, now that I know, it is time to nod my agreement and get the fuck up.It is time to go forth and do good deeds.  I know what I am resolved to do, but I ask you.

Can you ride?  Let's Ride.

Cheers, all.  Happy New Year!