As usual, the TL;DR:

When you are planning an EMDR session to help you deal with the burnout of Big Capitalist Companies, you aren't usually expecting - or prepared for - all your parental failures to come crashing in like the Kool-Aid Man.

Oh Yeah!

Using EMDR is an amazing therapeutic tool for dealing with repressed and/or difficult memories to process. If its working, you will take some side quests into those memories.

It is hard. It is painful. But it absolutely must be faced if you want to get better.

Do the Work.

Ok, you can leave now unless you want me to explain that mess above. Even I don't think I will get it all down in one sitting, but here goes. Thanks for getting this far!

Love ya!

My therapy path

I want to talk about what I am learning in therapy, some of my results with various methods, and why it is important to get to therapy. Also, several anti-capitalist or Star Trek rants thrown in there, maybe.

Oh, and how I am a shit parent, of course. But you knew that was gonna happen.

I started with just talk therapy and it helped except for a few reasons. I am not sure if others face the same thing getting therapy, but I found it hard to find a therapist I could connect with. I finally did find Sue, who got me talking with someone who was not only listening but could actually understand what the hell I was talking about.

Just a patient voice who listened. That's how it started.

Sue was maybe 3rd or 4th of the therapists I started going to. I tried the Walmart phone therapy, but it really only helped in crisis. Every time I called in, I got someone new, making it very hard to work on anything of substance.

When I started going to a therapist once or twice a month (as I could afford it), I found I needed to change therapists for the reasons I have yet to explain. I will do that now.

Reason One: Only Women

I cannot trust male therapists. I wish I could, as I hear there are some good ones out there, but all of my doctors are women if I get a choice. I always get better care from women than men.
In fact, I really don't trust men at all. There are only a few that get implicit trust. The rest get evaluated.

Reason Two: Attraction

One of the therapists I saw was a wonderful person and insisted on a very informal setting so I could relax. We would sit in these wonderfully comfortable chairs that she insisted we place very close to one another. We would periodically bump each others shins, you see. And that was the issue.

As I am trying to uncover my trauma - some of which is from an ex - I am distracted by how much I really want to sleep with her. This won't do. I do NOT want the same woman for both therapy and sex. I just can't do that. It doesn't work out well.

After the second session, I ghosted. I just didn't know how to tell her what was happening in my head until I got past my libido interfering with the process. That part took several years, but at least I could see it was a problem for her to remain my therapist if that was what was going through my mind.

I am sure I would have enjoyed it immensely, as she was very pretty and gentle. Which I really needed, but not with my therapist. Does that all make sense? I was my issue, and there was nothing she could really do without the whole thing being uncomfortable.

Put those reasons together, and you see that I had to find a woman therapist that I could afford that I had to drive to. Also, that I did not want to have sex with.

Since my therapy visits are mostly virtual now, the first one doesn't seem to matter, but the second one still does. Even my psychiatrist and my PCP when I can are woman. They all fight for me and I love it.

No shade on any of the therapists that didn't meet my criteria, but it wasn't about them and I never said anything to anyone until now. Also, I no longer care if anyone understands or approves of what I do, with a very few exceptions.

They know I have ADHD and have trouble with scheduling sometimes if, maybe, once in a while, I just, I mean, maybe forget to put it in my calendar. They are really good at both making sure I get it in my calendar when we make the appointment AND reminding me of the things I need to get done for my mental health.

My mental and physical health have both improved because of these women who are helping me keep my head on straight.

I also have to mention the third reason, that is completely out of my control. Le Sigh.

Reason Three: Longevity

Even when I find the correct therapist and start making some amazing leaps and bounds, they quit to go to another practice. And I have to start over.

I am not angry at them as they have all recommended my next amazing therapist. It is a grieving process, really. Unfortunately, even therapists need to compete for the scraps the Oligarchy throws at us.

All because they feel that we will not work towards their goals unless they make us. And it turns out? They are correct.

So, I started taking better notes and organizing my thoughts better for when I need to train a new therapist who I am. Again.

I am also trying to get as much treatment as I can on Medicaid until they cut me from it. I am fighting them so I can keep it a few more months to maybe catch up. But the Machine At Which We Rage is a challenging one to defeat.

I have to consolidate some my notes that are handwritten or in multiple places, but I have a few spreadsheets and documents where I keep notes in a format that I can search for them later.

Yes, I have built a mental health database to combat the Longevity issue using Obsidian

Oo! And its great at task management. And I have published a few blogs from it. It can get complicated if you let it, but it is very useful for a tech guy like me.

I am tired of writing now, so I will go into detail on what my sessions were like at a later date. I am excited to relay a few EMDR experiences, TMS treatments - and hopefully soon - ketamine treatments. It is supposed to put my therapeutic journey into warp drive.

I am just now wondering if I am addicted to therapy...

Until next time!

Me