I am going through the process of getting Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) to help my treatment resistant depression. My psychiatrist has recommended it.

It uses magnets to "awaken" neural pathways that are not being used or are "dead" or some bullshit doctor speak. It looks to me like they are doing a defrag on my hard drive, aka, my brain. It's kinda scary to think of it that way but it makes sense to me that way - I understand technology.

I think of my own brain as an operating system running on organic hardware. I think and act like a computer would in most things, so looking at TMS as a Defrag or even marking Bad Sectors so you can move on just works for me. My thoughts come through on screens in my head, and I view them and process them as they come.

And they never stop. Even meditation only stops the processing for about 5-10 minutes and that takes effort. I am beginning to feel...nothing. I don't get real passion for anything anymore. Not gaming, not seeing friends, not even singing.

I think this TMS stuff might actually remove some of these dead feelings and allow me to move on with my life. If I can just get insurance to cover it, I am golden. I just want to sing and play until I get to breath no more. All of this is exhausting.

I just want to sing.

Walking the Path,

Me